Who Loves Coffee?
50 Billion Cups Consumed Annually
Coffee tastes like dirt, a familiar taste if you were born last century, because you went “out to play.” If you were born this century, I’m sorry, no one can help you. Go outside and eat dirt.
So, I like my coffee organic, because I’m not warm to the idea of spraying poison on anything, really.
This narrows my selection at the grocery store.
Let’s go over the organic coffee selection and decide which one to purchase!
First, I checked out Wicked Joe’s Organic Big House, described on the package as Roasty and Raucous. I checked the definition of raucous, because it doesn’t seem like a selling point, and it means “disagreeably harsh.”
Just noting the marketing language describing a bag of world’s most popular brew states quite directly, it tastes sh*tty.
Hey, I can write that kind of copy!
Coffee tastes like crap and ours is no different! Try our Earthy dog-sh*t flavor!
Our disagreeable home-grown blend of dirt-like flavored coffee will wake you the f*ck up!
Face it! You’re addicted. You’re going to drink it, no matter what. Who the fu*k cares what it tastes like? We roasted it and we don’t even care!
You’re not drinking it for the taste! Your drinking it for the hybridized caffeine-enhancement to jack your morning! Add cream and sugar and shut the f*ck up!
This Roasty and Raucous blend is characterized by “sweet notes of caramel” — I get that — and citrus.
Have you ever once thought ‘I’ll squeeze a lemon into my coffee’ when you weren’t tripping on LSD?
Okay, smoking a doobie gave rise to some of my best recipe combos ever, like round yellow corn chips dipped in slightly soft chocolate ice cream. (Try it — I’m serious, it’s fantastic. You may need to take a puff first).
But that combo of coffee and citrus? No thanks.
Let’s move on to Wicked Joe’s Organic Sumatra, Full-Bodied and Earthy, which is what I want in a man, but ok, coffee. This blend is characterized by “notes of dense chocolate and spices.”
First of all, notes? Paper notes? Musical notes?
Turns out the “notes” means “the characteristic feature as of odor or flavor,” and is borrowed from stupid whiny-ass wine descriptions.
But dense chocolate? Do they mean intense? How is the flavor, not texture, of a liquid described as dense? More molecules? More electrons jumping to a higher orbital?
Apparently, this coffee is action-packed, much like the full-bodied and earthy dude taking shape in my imagination.
And what spices? Some spices lack compatibility with certain foods. Like don’t put turmeric in ice cream. In fact, don’t put turmeric in anything. It tastes awful. If you must, put it in a pill and swallow it.
Why Does Decaf Taste Like a Freshly Dry-Cleaned Shirt Smells?
And my favorite, Wicked Joe’s Organic French Decaf, described as Bark without the Bite. I love that excellent description! And they throw in the word “gentle”, which, if you are drinking decaf, you may need some gentle.
It is water processed, which means they don’t use dry cleaning fluid to extract the caffeine.
I wish I were joking, but I’m not. Typically, I skip the ethyl acetate or methylene chloride flavored decaf, so I’m sticking with Wicked Joe’s here, because you know what? I like them and their coffee.
The Wicked Joe’s Organic Breakfast Blend is creamy milk chocolate — I get it — with a touch of sunshine.
A touch of sunshine? There’s sunshine in an apparently aluminum lined bag?
There’s an old saying, referencing certain places “where the sun don’t shine”.
Inside a sealed bag is one of them.
I think they are just covering up for how nasty all coffee tastes by trying to sunshine it up with some happy. Consuming caffeinated coffee does immediately feel sunshiny and happy, right?
I decided on Wicked Joe’s Organic French, described as smoky and smooth, with an unexpected hint of sweetness.
Ok, I get smoky. And smooth, which in wine-speak, I understand, means no aftertaste.
But, who the f*ck cares about unexpected sweetness? If I want sweet in my coffee, I add sugar. And why “unexpected”? If I just woke up, I don’t want anything unexpected.
Coffee Smells a lot Better Than it Tastes
Why can’t coffee just taste like it smells? No one would ever have taken their first sip of coffee if it smelled like it tastes. Am I right?
You never would have walked into a Starbucks, waited in line and paid $3 for genetically enhanced coffee that costs them thirty cents to make, including 3 cents labor for the coffee growers and baristas.
According to some website I found, 500B, that’s billion, cups of coffee are consumed each year globally. No one knows who these people are or how many cups each of them drinks.
You know that saying, “If I had a penny for every…?” It’s the first thing I thought, too.
According to the math, the breakdown is 1.3 cups/person/day/globally. This is globally, not intergalactically.
So, if 40% of humans on Earth don’t drink it, then the other 60% drink approximately how many cups each? I have no idea how to figure that out.
No wonder we all have so much anxiety. This directly translates into revenue for the makers of anti-anxiety medications.
Turns out I’ve become a fan the Wicked Joe Brand. They are not a sponsor of this story, as you might imagine.
But if you’re in Florida, and my condolences to you if you are, check your local Publix or Sprouts for your favorite blend as outlined above.
Their website is wickedjoe.com. They know a lot more than ‘no dry cleaning fluid allowed in decaf’. They know about free trade and treating the environment and people with dignity! I love that!
This story was written without harming any animals. It involved consumption of coffee, which contains a powerful drug, caffeine, which, if consumed habitually, will control your life.